Blanket

There are some days that I really don't want to get out of bed or there is no reason for it or I just want to shut everything out. I just roll up in my favorite blanket and tuck my head in.

Since I've come home, those days have become more frequent...

Home is so much different from school.

At school, even though it didn't go so well (according to my grades), there is stability. I go to class, lunch, room, dinner, work, meetings. They are the same times everyday. I get to see the same people, the same positive people. I have support there. There are people to talk to, pray with, and laugh with. Sometimes we're on different schedules, but most days, I get to just sit and chat with a friend or vent about classes.

At home, there is no stability. Its different from one day to the next but with the same old stuff. The same old yelling, the same old struggling, the same old instability. We pretty much live paycheck to paycheck, there is someone yelling every other day and moods change at the drop of a hat. Unless someone is yelling or wanting something, the only things you can hear are the t.v., the dog and my mom on the phone. I don't really have immediate support here. There's no one to really hang out with on a regular basis or talk to like normal.

I've never had a stable home. There were times when it was stable, but never more than a few weeks. I still wish for that, I long for it. I want dinner on the table every night and a vacation in the summer. I want to be able to ask my parents for financial help, instead of my mom having to ask me for money to feed us tonight. I want to be able to have fun conversations with my dad and with my sister. I want years without arguing and cursing. I want to go to church as a family. I want my parents to be happy together. I wish those things were my life. It breaks my heart that they are not.

So this is why I'm here, not wanting to get out of bed. I'd rather stay here and hide out until my summer job starts. That'll give me at least a taste of normalcy for the next three months...