As Angels Cry

Holy majesty come and save me from my sins
Polish up this rusty shell that I’ve been livin' in
This life is a steppin' stone
But I’ve fallen through the cracks
And I’m calling on You now to come and
Come and bring me back
Can’t you hear me crying?
Help me break this chain of consequences
Ooh, I’m beaten by the chain
By the chain

And as they watch me fall
The angels cry
Cause they understand my pain
And they’ve seen the blood spilled in the battles of my life
I’m in a leap of faith, racing through the sky
I’m like the rain that fall from angels’ eyes
-Corey Smith

I feel like I have seriously been beaten by chains this past 24 hours. Last week something really bad happened with my family. I wasn't present for it. But yesterday, my mom told me. It hurt my heart so much. It was something so unexpected and I had been overwhelmed by it all day. I didn't want to share it with anyone out of respect for my family. I didn't think I could share it with the person I value most either. And my silence damaged, is damaging our relationship. I have spent most of my life inside myself. I have been afraid of what people would think or what they would say. And some of the time, people just don't care. My family is very private. My mom would make us keep things to ourselves, even if they weren't important. I remember a time when I wasn't allowed to tell my best friend I was going to Disney World for the first time. How odd is that? So I just learned to hole it all up because it wasn't appropriate to talk about things. Now that I have someone who wants to know and wants to care for me, I haven't let him in. But I am really trying. And I am learning. I have made progress. But it may be too little too late. And that is soul killing. I need to be let loose of these chains of consequences. I want freedom.

God Smiles

AP Photo/Bullit Marquez)

I always knew God wasn't some huge angry old guy in the sky. God smiles. I think when there is a rush of wind and the fall leaves rush around, that's Him smiling. I think when babies smile while they sleep, that's His smile. When the sun rises and paints the sky a perfect combination of purples. oranges, reds, and yellows, that's Him too. As we can see in this phenomenon, shown above, He has made it a bit more apparent this time. And that makes me smile too. :)

Thank You Lord for your mystery and that You allow us to discover more of You each day.

Its been a long time, shouldn't have left you without a dope beat to step to.

Wow, I haven't blogged in quite awhile! But no one reads this anyway. I guess I just keep it for personal enrichment. So this semester has been different...I'm not sure if its been good or bad. But its had its fun moments. I am getting along with my roommates. They are fun and smart and interesting people. I don't hang out as much with the friends I made last year. We are all so super busy these days. I really miss them sometimes, but we visit when we can. I have been visiting different churches around the town. I don't really know where I belong as far as that goes. I enjoyed the time I spent at the church I attended last year, but I really never got plugged in there. So, I am still in search of a place to get connected. I may have to venture out of the box for this one. ;)

I am thinking about finishing my degree in something other than nursing. I know I want to and will eventually be a nurse, but this has been a long road with no end in sight. If I change to Psychology, I could finish next December and start a Master's in nursing at UT through their alternative entry program. It is looking pretty good to me since I wanted a Master's to become a Nurse Midwife anyway! But its still something I really need to pray about.

I attempted to get into a routine for life, but life happened and the routine for life went kaput. But I am attempting to stay on top of things and keep a balanced spiritual, social, and educational life going.

Lots of changes have gone on in the past few months but in the words of Sheryl Crow, "a change would do you good."

Unplayed Piano

I wish I had continued with piano lessons. I took lessons for about 7 years. I still hear the music, but I can no longer play the notes. At least not the complex ones... Sometimes when I hear a well played song, I miss sitting at the bench and feeling the ivory under my finger tips. Its as if music would just flow from the body. My teacher said I had a natural talent. I would put my own twist on pieces like it had never been heard before. I could even play songs by ear. Actually, I still can... Nonetheless, the piano that my parents bought me so many years ago is now collecting dust and being use as decoration in the dining room.

I am not saying this to reminisce or even brag about my skills. It just brought me to the realization that if you don't use it, you lose it. If you don't appreciate things, use them or take care of them, you will lose them. They will fade away. You won't even realize it and the dust will be collecting on the piano and the music will be just distant memories.

So what are you not using in your life today?

I am a YMCA camp counselor for the summer.

I am losing it. I need a vacation.

The end.

Selfless Faith

Me me me me me!!

Me me me me me!!

That's what I have been singing for the past month or so.

Its been all about me. My wants. My desires. My future.

Until I heard them sing, "selfless faith." And I started singing it too. Now its resonating and won't go away.

I need to have that. Selfless faith.

So, for the next 3 months, I am going to figure out what that is and how to gain it.

Today was a good start. I got a fresh touch from the holy spirit that I have desperately needed. I have been so dry and dark and twisted lately. I have allowed my situation and my environment to effect my mood. Then I feel sorry for myself and think its everyone else's fault when its just my own.

But no more. I'm a child a God and that makes me better than that.

So here's to a summer of selfless faith...

Blanket

There are some days that I really don't want to get out of bed or there is no reason for it or I just want to shut everything out. I just roll up in my favorite blanket and tuck my head in.

Since I've come home, those days have become more frequent...

Home is so much different from school.

At school, even though it didn't go so well (according to my grades), there is stability. I go to class, lunch, room, dinner, work, meetings. They are the same times everyday. I get to see the same people, the same positive people. I have support there. There are people to talk to, pray with, and laugh with. Sometimes we're on different schedules, but most days, I get to just sit and chat with a friend or vent about classes.

At home, there is no stability. Its different from one day to the next but with the same old stuff. The same old yelling, the same old struggling, the same old instability. We pretty much live paycheck to paycheck, there is someone yelling every other day and moods change at the drop of a hat. Unless someone is yelling or wanting something, the only things you can hear are the t.v., the dog and my mom on the phone. I don't really have immediate support here. There's no one to really hang out with on a regular basis or talk to like normal.

I've never had a stable home. There were times when it was stable, but never more than a few weeks. I still wish for that, I long for it. I want dinner on the table every night and a vacation in the summer. I want to be able to ask my parents for financial help, instead of my mom having to ask me for money to feed us tonight. I want to be able to have fun conversations with my dad and with my sister. I want years without arguing and cursing. I want to go to church as a family. I want my parents to be happy together. I wish those things were my life. It breaks my heart that they are not.

So this is why I'm here, not wanting to get out of bed. I'd rather stay here and hide out until my summer job starts. That'll give me at least a taste of normalcy for the next three months...

Are You there God? Its me, Annietra.

I cry out with no reply. And I can't feel You by my side...

Where is He?

Where's God?

Did He go away on a business trip? Is He just up in the heavens with a "Do Not Disturb Sign" on the door?

I really needed you. I really needed that miracle and it didn't show up.

I believed for a miracle.

My heart is aching right now.
I don't know what else to say.

Then again, I am the screwup. Maybe its just my fault. My fate.

Fake, Fraud, Phony

I am such a fraud. A screwup and a fraud. I have gone around putting on this mask and encouraging people and telling them how good God is and how to live, and I haven't been doing it myself. I have not lived any of the things that God has been asking me.

I have not been living in the intentional fellowship and community He has asked.
I have not been working hard and keeping up with my school work.
I have not even been fully trusting in Him at all times.
I have not even been contacting Him daily for all my needs and have not taken Him as my supply.
I have been asking so much of Him, but I haven't even met Him half way.

This entire year was supposed to be a year of amazing newness. I was supposed to be growing spiritually, mentally, learning to be more responsible and taking advantage of my time at UMHB. I have screwed up.

He doesn't have anything to work with...

I know I can turn it all around. But is it too late?

Please tell me that You still have enough grace for a wretch like me...

Some clarity

I wanted to change things. In my mind, it was logical and easier.

God said "no way Jose".

He's making a way.

Why is it so hard to trust in Someone who has proved His power time and time again?

We are such strange and difficult creatures.

And through it all, He loves us.

Thank You for Your grace. Thank You for telling me just to be still, so I could finally hear You. Thank You that You are still even talking to me! Because if it were anyone else, they would have given up on me already! :)

I love You. Thanks for the beauty of Your grace.

Work-Jars of Clay

Just in case, I will leave my things packed
So I can run away
I cannot trust these voices I don't have a line of prospects that can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to that can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work
Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
Empty spaces with shadows hit by streetlights
Warnings signs and weight of tired conversations
In the absence of a shoulder, in the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction, on the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets and I'm living out
Every word they speak, every word they speak
Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"Alone, alone, I don't want to be alone
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

This pretty much says it all right now...

Revival

I am so supposed to be reviewing for my lab quiz, but I just needed to blogged.

Lately, I have been needing revival. I have been feeling dead inside, unconnected and just not enjoying. Thankfully we had Revival this week at school. God knows when to step in. He has A-mazing timing!

He really convicted me this week. I never realized how prideful and rebellious I had been. I didn't realize that I haven't been surrendering all either. But thank God for His grace and that He is a God of more than second chances! Just as He gave Jonah another chance to follow His will, He is giving all of us another chance everyday. I have a chance to humble myself before Him and His people. Thank you Lord for that!

I am not sure that this verse was used in Revival, but it pretty much sums up what God did:

The LORD Almighty planned it, to bring low the pride of all glory and to humble all who are renowned on the earth. Isaiah 23:9

He really humbled UMHB this week. I hope it continues...

Home

I ran away to home last night.

Yes, to home.

Over the past week, I have been on an emotional roller coaster and I wanted off. So I came home where things are chill, I can take a break and regain focus. Lately, everything has been going on around me in a whirlwind and its as if my play button is broken. I can see and feel everything around me, in all its intensity. But I am standing still. I am out of focus on so many things. I thought if I just came back, away from everything, I could gain some perspective. I am hoping that I can get that while I am here. Regardless, it is nice to see my mom and Daniel. Their familiarity is comforting and makes me happy. :)

Clean, clear, and under His control

About this time last week, I had just ended an intense time of praying and spending time with God. It was wonderful and I don't think I had ever had so much clarity in my entire 21.5 years. It was like having a spa day where you come out feeling really clean and refreshed. He really pointed out some gunk that needed to be wiped out of my life. Some things I had been struggling with for ages. I am so grateful for that time...

I am finally and honestly giving those things over to You. Please keep them, because its pretty obvious that I don't know what to do with them! :)

School is crazy! But an enjoyable crazy. I have been spending lots of time with some I wouldn't normally hang out with constantly. Its really nice and its been a fun change from the norm!

Not much else going on, but I am homeward bound this weekend. I have missed that place lately.

Oh dear...

I feel God is leading me to make some transitions within a particular relationship. Some are minor changes that with much prayer can go smoothly. But some are big changes that are scary and could uproot the things that have changed me in the past couple of years. I am still not sure about any of this, probably because I'm a bit scared of tuning my ears to God's voice because I may not like the way things may turn out. I am coming into a season of testing my obedience and faith. I am so afraid to fail and I know that these things will be for the greater good. But it means stepping out of my comfort zone and being bold.

I am sleepy

My room is a mess. Its not a ridiculous mess, but I should probably clean up. But ironically I feel really organized. Like my life is really organized, at least as far as school goes. I haven't had this organization in a long time. Its nice...

So, I have to take summer school, but I don't have the money. I want to apply for a loan, but I am not sure that I will be accepted for a loan. I am praying for the finances. I know God will see me through.

Not much else going on. Its a bit gray outside and cold. But the cool wet air against my skin feels nice. :)

I really love it here. I don't know why, but I do...

I've been thinking alot about travel and my future lately. I have so many dreams. I want to go to Australia! I have wanted to go there since I was a little kid. I want to see the Great Barrier Reef and a kangaroo in its natural habit. I hope I get to do that after I graduate. It would be so much fun. :)

I've also been thinking about marriage and kids and houses, oh my! I hear that those things bring on alot of stress and don't really make things easier. But I look forward to having a husband and family and a cute little house one day. My heart longs for it...

I am such a dreamer...

New Year

I am ready to go back to school. I think I need structure to keep me focused and keep my mind off of things that are beyond my control. Home is becoming less like home for me. I think God is doing this for a reason. I am happier at school. Sometimes it doesn't seem that way, until I come home and my entire attitude changes (for the worse). I grow and learn at school. I am less negative when I am at school. Its definitely the structured environment. I am not disciplined enough (yet) to keep my day structured, so I need classes and work and meetings to do that for me. Being on my own also helps. I never thought that I would miss routine, but I do, I really do. It gave me something to look forward to. Its just something I need. I come apart here and everything seems to fall into place there. Guess life's funny that way.

Its a new year. I don't have a resolution. I don't think its required. I don't really want one. I have overall goals for my life and I will continue with them this year, next year and thereafter. Why do I need to resolve to do something that I won't really stick to?

Not much else to say for now. Alot of things in my head but they haven't made their way out yet. I'll be back when they do. :)