Another twists in moods

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

I must die to live? Me? AJ Oliver?

I think I am choosing the slow painful one, rather than the quick and painless one. The one that feels like it never happened and you suddenly fall into the abyss of brand new.

Well, I've always been a procrastinator.

I keep on having to die over and over again. Its like this old life keeps resurrecting itself. Its the zombie with 9 lives.

I want to die completely to the fleshy, fleshly, me. But that me is putting up the biggest fight of her life. I want that face to the floor, trembling with joy, bursting into new life kind of experience. So, where is it? Why am I not making more of an attempt to find it? Why are my lovely bones so lazy in this part?

Lots of thoughts to ponder...

A little old lady I met last week at my job, I think she's slipping away. She's homebound. :) She was so sweet and so in love with Jesus. You could see it in her smile. She said that God speaks to me and hoped that I was listening...She had been to three hospitals and said God had sent her their to share the gospel with others. I admired her so much. She touched my heart so much. She was using possibly her last few weeks here on earth to continue to spread the message. And here I sit, trying to figure out how to drop everything and say, "Okay."

What are you going to do with me?

Brownies and Shopping and Driving With Music and Jesus

The above are things that calm my nerves especially when its about that time. I am soooooo bored. I actually miss the kids. At least I had something to do everyday. And now that there's some sort of "surprise" planning for my birthday (yes, i know). Every time that guy comes over, he's off with my mom so there's no time for the actual me. So, it really irritated me today because I thought he was coming over to spend time with me. I really needed it; I'm getting cabin fever. But of course not...

I don't like surprises. I really really don't. I like knowing things ahead of time. Something about surprises have always made me uneasy. Its weird. I'm weird. I'd rather have a normal dinner with chocolate cake. But I suppose I should be grateful for the niceness...

I'm in a mood. I'll be better tomorrow.

Time

All I have is time this week.

And what am I doing with it?

Wasting it already.

My room is a mess. Laundry needs to be done. Books need to be read. And I sit here, eyes glazed over, surfing.

Tick tock. Tick tock. Goes the clock.

I keep on thinking about the things that need to be done. I see piles of mess around me. And I continue to sit.

So, why don't cha do somethin'?

I will. Now. Bye.

P.S. I got a swimsuit. This is a colossal deal because I hate swimsuits. I haven't worn one in about 3 or 4 years. But I like this one. It fits and stuff is hidden. And its pretty cute. And I didn't have to pay for it, which was a total blessing because now I can buy bedding for my dorm room. :)

P.S.S. My birthday's in 12 days!! 21 years of being me. What a ride...

Ok, I'm done for real. :)