Ready to Run

I want to run away.

And if I had the money I would. I really would.

Just to start over. Completely over. Somewhere that no one knows me and I can forget myself too.

I've been questioning alot of things in my life lately. I feel like the world is moving around me really fast and I am looking around trying to find direction. I see everyone moving forward with their lives, moving on. And I am looking around in the dark trying to find the street signs.

I just want to cut and run.

It seems easy. I'd get a clean slate. No ties. No history. Just me, a good car, a bible, a pocket full of cash, and my dreams.

If I could press restart and go back to high school, I would have done so many things different.

But I can't go back. I know I can't. So, the next best thing to do is run. Right?

Write your plans in pencil, but give God the eraser.

I have plans/goals for my future. I am excited as I get closer to the time that they will unfold. Some of them are as follows:
-grow in Christ
-become an awesome nurse
-go to grad school one day
-become a great wife and mother
-buy a house
-do missions in Africa and South America
-travel
-be healthy

I like goals. They give you something to look forward to, something to work hard for. The above things are the desires of my heart. Above all, I want God perfect will to be done in my life. If some or all of those things don't happen I know I will be okay. But God never said don't state the desires of your heart. :)

All that said, its scares me that some of the people that are close to me don't have the same vision. Not the same goals, but they are not looking ahead at the future like I am. They have no plan, they haven't set out with anything to look forward too. I think they may be scared. Scared of change or striking out in the unknown. Maybe just plain scared of the future because its something we can't see. But we were not born with a spirit of fear! For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline (2 Tim. 1:7). Its hard to have people around you that don't know what they want. I want people around me not just looking to next week, but looking to next year as well. Even Jesus had goals. His ultimate goal was to die for us. But along the way He lead as many people as He could to repent and turn to God. And I am sure, that was the plan. He's still doing it today...

So write your plans in pencil, but give God the eraser.

I need help...

developing consistency in my life. Things are consistent in my life like class, work, eating, showering, you know, the basics. But I am not consistent in my life. I am not consistent in my studying or spending time with God (I do spend time with Him alot, but not a set aside time daily.) or exercising and all of the other super important stuff.

So God, I ask you help me in this area in my life. More consistency and less procrastination. :)

Don't dream its over

It may be a phase.

But I have stopped dreaming.

Hoping.

Wishing on stars or while blowing out candles.

Meredith put it best:
"You know when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be -- white dress, prince charming who’d carry you away to a castle on a hill. You’d lie in your bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa clause, the tooth fairy, prince charming -- they were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up and one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely because almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope and faith that one day they would open their eyes and it would all come true."

There was an instant last night that I just stopped believing. Well, I'm sure the instances have accumulated over time. But it was this one, where the fairy tale flew out the window.

I didn't have my heartbroken or have a fight. Everything was fine, and I guess it still is. But its been the passiveness that has been so prevalent these days. I think it came when the newness faded. It wasn't so long ago...

At a time when everyone around me is starting new with graduations and rings and babies and bridesmaids, I am stuck at school with nothing but MORE school to look forward to.

The fairy tale's gone; it floated slowly up and away. Maybe another little girl caught on. I hope it comes true for her.

Newness

I feel a bit "bleh" today. I hope I am not coming down with anything. That wouldn't be good when the semester is staring to get really busy!

Got a new and improved start with someone really special! So far, so good! New stuff is always exciting especially when its with someone you love. ;)

Not much else going on other than school, work, lifegroup (which is very good), reading, and enjoying the Lord.

Another new thingI get to start a girl's disciple group next week with some girls from lifegroup. Even though its super early Monday morning (i am not a morning person), I think it will be a good start to the week.

Oh, and I will start walking tonight. Another new thing for me. I think that will be some good time to see the campus, visit with Jesus, and get my cardiovascular exercise on (in the words of Elmo). :)

Mutual Mistakes

You can't really lay blame anywhere when there is a mutual mistake. Its mutual. You're both to blame. You can't really say the other person (s) made you do it, unless they threatened to kill your dog or held a gun to your head. So, once again, its mutual.

So why do I feel I am being blamed?

I am so human. I am not using His grace as a safety net or justification for what I do. I know that I screwed up and turned back to my old self and I am sorry for it. That old me sucked and I don't like her all that much. She was moody, hateful, and had no boundaries. But because I have an awesome DAD, when I screw up, I am disciplined in love and taught a lesson so I can do a 180.

I am in the light and the more I am, the more I see my faults. And when I see them, I apply the cleansing blood. Brings stronger light, stronger anointing. Its a continuous cycle. And if I stay in it, I won't continue to make the same mistake.

Lonely Nation

I am supposed to be here. I am meant to be here. If the sky falls down on top of me, if I am the most hated person on campus, I am supposed to be here. You said this was it, this was for me and I know You don't lie.

So, why do I feel like the kid who doesn't fit in? You know, the loner kid? The same feeling I have had for the past 3 years. Why is it back?

It needs to go away.

I am trying and its not working. I give up. I'm so done. I'm tired.

I miss home. I was safe there. My feelings were safe there. I had people there. There weren't many, but they were mine. :/

For the first time since I've been here, I really truly miss home. I am so homesick right now, that it hurts. My hearts not in it right now...

Singing without tongues
Screaming without lungs
I want more than my lonely nation
I want more than my lonely nation
Desperate we are young
Separate we are one
I want more than my desperation
I want more than my lonely nation

Fear

God sent me a message. Yes, He sent me a message.

I am coming to the crossroads and He is standing with His arms wide open, waiting for me.

I chose Him and He chose me, but the waves of fear are distracting me. My eyes are not looking straight into His.

Just like Peter:

24 Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves. 25 About three o’clock in the morning Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, “It’s a ghost!”
27 But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage. I am here!”
28 Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”
29 “Yes, come,” Jesus said.
So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted.
31 Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”


I am standing on the edge of the boat and you want me to step out into You. I love You so much, but I am distracted by fear. Lord Jesus, I just want to step out there into You. I see You holding out your arms like the ultimate LifeSaver that You are and the waves of fear come. I know as soon as I step out of the boat, there is no turning back. And I know that You will not let me drown, that You will always reach out and grab me. Fear fills the space where my faith should be. Save me.

School

Go Cru!!
Tomorrow will be a week since classes started. God has gotten me off to a great start here. I feel so at home. Even though I don't know many people outside of my family group, I don't feel lonely at all. God has provided me with a few great friends that I am getting to know well.

I visited Antioch on Sunday, which was fantastic. I am going to one of their college lifegroups tonight to see what its all about. I also want to join CAB (campus activities board) so I can participate in planning all the fun stuff and of course, make new friends. The excitement of being here has not quite worn off yet!

This weekend I am going home to see my family and boyfriend and unfortunately, attend a funeral. Please keep my family in your prayers.

Hope everyone has gotten off to a great start this school year!! :)

God Bless!!

Welcome Week...

...is tiring, yet fun. I am meeting new people and this is a new chapter in many of their lives as well. I think I may like this place. It could be VERY POSSIBLE (aka very likely) that God knew exactly what He was doing when He hand picked this time and place for me. Thank you Lord!!

And I know that it's a wonderful world

But I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

Its time to leave. I am excited and scared and sad. Its a bittersweet moment.

I hate bittersweet moments. The bitter usually gets to me more...

I didn't think it would be this hard to say goodbye. Its not really "goodbye" per say. Its actually see ya later. The school is only 2.5 hours away and I feel like I will be half a world apart from my family...and especially Daniel. We've been practically attached at the hip for nearly two years now. This is really going to be a test.

But there can't be a testimony, without a test.

Thank you Lord that I am able to cry. You gave me such a special reason to cry today. Even though its hurting, I am so glad that I have Daniel to smile at and cry about.

I love YOU. And you too, Daniel.

Money

I've never cared too much for money. No, I'm not kidding. Its not like I am throwing it away or wiping my behind with it. I do understand its value. But I've never cared too much of it because it causes too many problems. If you lack it, you can't pay bills. If you have alot of it, you are never quite sure if you are doing the right thing with it, even when it seems like it. All this said, there is lots of money problems going on in this house. You can feel the stress and its creating so much tension. Over my entire life, many arguments have occurred in my house due to money. More than I can count. Money is making me melancholy. Its not the root of all evil, its the root of disappointment, sadness, stress, and anger. I am supposed to go to fun-filled Jamaica really soon and we can't afford to get our passports. My dream vacation may continue to be a dream. Bills are going over due. Tuition is due...Its too much. Tension is coming to a head. I need You to take this off of me tonight...

Fun Times

I had an amazingly nice 21st birthday filled with lots of fun and laughter. It was so nice to have my close friends around to celebrate. I am sooooo grateful to have such a wonderful boyfriend and mom that put that together for me. Even though I hate surprises, it turned out awesome and I don't think I could ask for more. :)

Still getting ready to leave for school. I am getting excited! People keep on asking if I will be sad to leave people behind. But another chapter is unfolding in my life and how can I be sad, when I know they will always be here for me when come back?

I will post pictures from the birthday extravaganza when I figure out how to!!

Later Days.

Romance

"When I die I wish to come back as one of her tears. What man would be so lucky as to have been conceived in her heart, born in her eyes, live on her cheeks, and die at her lips."

I've been in a kinda sentimental mood lately and saw this quote. Oh, how incredibly moving it would be for someone to say that about me...

Hey, a girl can dream!! :)

God created romance. He's a hopeFUL romantic like me (though I, like many have become increasingly not as romantic)! He even created an entire book in the Bible about it (Song of Songs). So how come we live in such an unromantic world? Everything is sex, flings, money, lies, repeat. No one every stops to leave a rose on a doorstep anymore or tell there significant other how amazing they are. At least not without wanting a little "something" in return. I wish we could get back to old fashioned romance. Hand-holding, roses, candlelit dinners, cuddling, hugs and kisses, poems, laying under the stars, all the "gushy" stuff.

Okay, that's my rant.


Oh yeah, stop and tell someone you love them and think they are amazing.

Another twists in moods

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

I must die to live? Me? AJ Oliver?

I think I am choosing the slow painful one, rather than the quick and painless one. The one that feels like it never happened and you suddenly fall into the abyss of brand new.

Well, I've always been a procrastinator.

I keep on having to die over and over again. Its like this old life keeps resurrecting itself. Its the zombie with 9 lives.

I want to die completely to the fleshy, fleshly, me. But that me is putting up the biggest fight of her life. I want that face to the floor, trembling with joy, bursting into new life kind of experience. So, where is it? Why am I not making more of an attempt to find it? Why are my lovely bones so lazy in this part?

Lots of thoughts to ponder...

A little old lady I met last week at my job, I think she's slipping away. She's homebound. :) She was so sweet and so in love with Jesus. You could see it in her smile. She said that God speaks to me and hoped that I was listening...She had been to three hospitals and said God had sent her their to share the gospel with others. I admired her so much. She touched my heart so much. She was using possibly her last few weeks here on earth to continue to spread the message. And here I sit, trying to figure out how to drop everything and say, "Okay."

What are you going to do with me?

Brownies and Shopping and Driving With Music and Jesus

The above are things that calm my nerves especially when its about that time. I am soooooo bored. I actually miss the kids. At least I had something to do everyday. And now that there's some sort of "surprise" planning for my birthday (yes, i know). Every time that guy comes over, he's off with my mom so there's no time for the actual me. So, it really irritated me today because I thought he was coming over to spend time with me. I really needed it; I'm getting cabin fever. But of course not...

I don't like surprises. I really really don't. I like knowing things ahead of time. Something about surprises have always made me uneasy. Its weird. I'm weird. I'd rather have a normal dinner with chocolate cake. But I suppose I should be grateful for the niceness...

I'm in a mood. I'll be better tomorrow.

Time

All I have is time this week.

And what am I doing with it?

Wasting it already.

My room is a mess. Laundry needs to be done. Books need to be read. And I sit here, eyes glazed over, surfing.

Tick tock. Tick tock. Goes the clock.

I keep on thinking about the things that need to be done. I see piles of mess around me. And I continue to sit.

So, why don't cha do somethin'?

I will. Now. Bye.

P.S. I got a swimsuit. This is a colossal deal because I hate swimsuits. I haven't worn one in about 3 or 4 years. But I like this one. It fits and stuff is hidden. And its pretty cute. And I didn't have to pay for it, which was a total blessing because now I can buy bedding for my dorm room. :)

P.S.S. My birthday's in 12 days!! 21 years of being me. What a ride...

Ok, I'm done for real. :)

Three

I went to be advised and register for classes today.

Three years.

That's how much longer I will be in school, if all goes well of course.

I've already spent three years in college.

Can I just get an honorary degree?

Guess He never said it would be easy. He only said I'd never go alone.

My advisor, which is the one of the deans of the BSN school was quite taken aback when I said I was ok with graduating in 2010. I guess she thought that I was going to change my major right then and there. I'm not ok with three years (yet). I was in fact, a bit discouraged and disheartened. But God is ok with three years because His will is being done and not my own. If it were up to me, I'd probably settle for ASN and call it a day. But I think God is going to take this next three years to water and nurture me and see if I will turn to the Source and GROW.

To go through all of this, just to be a nurse, He must be working on a HUGE project.

I'm up for it.

Thank You for three more years in the cocoon. Thank You that You would think of me that much to mold me, shape me, nurture me, and have an incredible plan for me. :)

I love You.

In other news:

I'm going to Jamaica with the family and the one I care for in August. It will be my first time out of the country and on a plane. But I will have to miss 2 days of school within the first week. : /

So, that numbness is floating away. There is color flooding back into my cheeks again. I feel something.

Next week, I get a break from babysitting for a little while. Sleeping in will be nice. :)

I feel awkward and detached from the one I care for. It all started with my mini nervous breakdown and the dynamic just hasn't been the same. I needed the time to myself and we needed less time with each other. Now, when we do spend time together (which is a rare occurrence), it feels different and its not good different. Its...weird. I miss us. What is a girl to do? : /

Well, if someone is out there, actually reading this, pray for me. Thanks.

Numb

I feel numb. Its not that bad kind of numb that you feel after something really traumatic has happened. Its that kind of numb that you feel when NOTHING has happened. And nothing keeps happening. Well, not nothing. But not really anything out of the ordinary.

Its another plateau.

Not a building, hill or mountain in sight.

I babysit Monday-Thursday. Sleep in Friday. Work Saturday and Sunday. Repeat.

I don't have any intellectual stimulation. No conversations at coffee shops with friends. Eh, but once in a blue moon, when there is time (which is rare), I get a date with the guy. But the conversation is limited, strained, and mostly revolves around work, the weather, and other superficial topics that neither of us really cares about.

I feel numb.

Is this how my life is going to be?

My room is a mess

Life events change you. They change your thought life, spirituality, emotional state, relationships, friendships, and sometimes even your morals and values.

I will be going off to school in a couple of months. I am excited and a tiny bit nervous. I wonder how much I will change. I really want this experience to be completely life altering. Well, not completely. Some things should stay the same. But I want this to be an "Extreme Makeover." Going off to school, no one knows me. I have the opportunity to start completely over. I can choose what I want to be, who I want to be. Ever since I got into college, I've retreated back into myself, become more reserved and shy. After I came back from Arlington, I did it even more. I haven't really participated in anything or made many friends or really taken care of myself. But this year, I can start over. Make new friends (but keep the old), grow spiritually, fellowship more (that one has been really really hard for me), be active in a community and the BODY, and actually keep my room clean! I get a new fresh start!

Thank You Lord that I get a new start. Help me to use it wisely and above all, convey your love to others. :)

Old School

Nickelodeon was so awesome during the 90s. We had Salute Your Shorts, Doug, Rocko's Modern Life, Double Dare, and tons more! I have missed watching Doug so much...and now I found a website that I can watch just about every episode (pre-Disney's Doug). I have been watching all sorts of stuff from my childhood. They remind me of playing outside with my friends on summer mornings, then coming in to watch Nicktoons, while playing "Girl" (which was technically house, but we were all neighbors in apartments instead). Oh how I miss when life was so simple!! We had so much fun and didn't have to worry about paying bills, relationships, or choosing classes. It was nice...

I have continued reading Praise Habit. Here's a line I really enjoyed today:

"Sometimes praise comes face to the ground, unable to move because we are so aware that this holy, terrifying God has busied Himself bringing us back to Him."

Busied Himself bringing us back to Him? How amazing! How could you not stand in awe that He would busy Himself trying to woo us, trying to win us back?

Just a thought.

New Gig

So, I have began to babysit my professor's children for the summer. They are two girls, 6 and 3. They are really cute and I think we will have a good time this summer. I admire their closeness as sisters. The oldest one is so sweet and encouraging to her little sister. They do get under each other's skin sometimes, but I really admire their relationship. Even though they are just little kids, they are the model of what sisters should be like. I wish me and my sisters were that close...

On my first day, my professor backed into my car! It was minor, but my side-view mirror got broken off. But it will be fixed soon. Can't sweat the small stuff!!

I've been being really lazy lately in every aspect of my life. I've been really sleepy lately, for some reason. But I am going to pull myself together and get back into the swing of things.

I have been reading Praise Habit. I really like this book...

God Bless!!

One of my favorite songs

I really like Krystal Meyers' song Hallelujah. Its beautiful and is good at making me cry. Singing praises to Him...
Enjoy!

Love

One of my favorites verses is 1 Corinthians 13:7:

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

I want to get to a point in my life where I can have my name in place of the word 'love'. AJ never gives up, never loses faith, etc. Especially with that last part: endures through every circumstance. I am learning to surrender myself and I know that with God, I will be able to endure every circumstance. Next month, I am taking on a number of things that I know will be impossible to do on my own. But I have faith that God will see me through.

So, I had been learning about the unsurrendered soul. But I left my book in Waco. :( Hopefully my bestest will be nice enough to send it to me, or else I will have to wait or buy another copy.

But while, I'm waiting, I have been reading Praise Habit by David Crowder. Its a really awesome book and I think he has caught onto something incredible. So, go check out the book if you haven't already.

Its been really rainy lately and has made me want to stay in bed all the time. Thankfully I have a nice mattress, good laptop, and some books near by. :)

God is straight up crazy.

That's what the children of Israel told Moses, according to this minister. They saw His power and were afraid to go speak to Him on the mountain, so they sent Moses because, "God is straight up crazy!" That's according to Cheryl Brady. She is quite funny, but she knows her stuff and how to relay the message to others.

Crazy powerful!

God is really really powerful and I am so glad I've got Him on my side to walk me through this.

No bluebonnets, just lots of rain yesterday.

I've gotten behind on my readings, so I have to play ketchup (hehe).

Life

I get to see the bestest to day if I get my butt up and start moving around! I'm excited! I need batteries for the cam and a phone card for the road because my cell doesn't pick up a signal and I know that I WILL be the one to get lost.

So, for the past couple of nights, I have been looking for Bible verses that have to do with J-HLP (I call it "Jesus Help!" Don't steal it. If it works, I may use it as a learning tool one day); joy, healing, life and praise. I have chosen one verse for each theme every night, so they can help me throughout the day. So, for the first "life" index card, I chose this verse:

“Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!
(Deuteronomy 30:19)

So, I decided to choose life. I know people would ask, "Well, why would you choose death anyway?" Well, death is easier. You don't have to do anything if you're dead. You can even stop breathing (haha). But choosing life means I have to let God clear out all the cobwebs, skeletons, dust bunnies and the like. All the dead stuff. And because I have had those things for so long, I've gotten used to them. And though they may seem like crap, you become accustomed to them. Its like living in a city with smog. If you live there all your life, you get used to it. Then you get out into the country, with fresh air, and you think it smells funny. You want to go back to the city where the air smells "normal" to you.

So I choose life. The air may smell funny for awhile, but I'm sure I'll get used to it.

I wanna go take pictures of stuff on my way back. The buildings get smaller as I leave downtown and the bluebonnets get more abundant.

Rhapsody in Blue

Have you ever heard Rhapsody in Blue? Its one of the most beautiful and most notable pieces by the late George Gershwin. I was enjoying it on my walk this morning. It starts out really majestic. You can hear this incredible orchestra accompanying the piano. But about half-way through the piece, the piano is alone. Everything else stops and you can only hear the pianist's two hands playing two different sounds, but they are in harmony. I find it to be the most beautiful part of the song. I am definitely not a music expert and I stopped playing the piano years ago. But I remember during piano lessons, my teacher accompanying me in certain pieces. We would start off playing together, then there would be a place where I would play on my own, and then she would come back into the piece towards the end. All of this said, it just reminded me of where I'm at now. Most of my life, I've had an orchestra accompanying me; friends, family, coworkers, peers, all supporting me. It sounded nice having all these people around. But now, its just me and Jesus, two hands on the piano. It is kind of a shock going from loud and majestic, to simple and slow. But I know its going to turn out to be the most beautiful part of the piece.

This is day 2. Its really dreary looking outside, but it felt really nice. Its windy and cool and cloudy; perfect for walking. I've gotten off to a good start; I'm slow but sure.

I get to go to Waco to get the bestest today or tomorrow. I miss her all the time. She's fun and I can talk to her about anything. :)

21 days to kick a habit

I have a habit...of unhappiness. I have so many unhealed hurts and unmet needs. They have made me angry, bitter, hurt, sad, you name it. And I have just been burying them continually and not addressing my unsurrendered soul. I kept all this crap inside and let it build up, instead of giving it to Jehovah Raffa (God the Healer). It has infected my life so much; every aspect of my life. But what hurts the most is that I've allowed it to go on for so long and now it has screwed up my relationship with the one I love so much. I can't take it anymore and it all came to a head last night. As I lay in my bed crying, I felt this brick on my chest and I just wanted God to take it off. I could physically feel it weighing me down. I couldn't breath and could barely speak. So I asked God to take it off, take it out. I was actually begging at this time. I don't want to be bitter and resentful anymore. I want happy and if surrendering is what it takes, I'll do it. I will do anything to be able to really really smile; without pain behind it, without having to fake it. Just genuine happiness!

It takes 21 days to make or break a habit. So in 21 days, I want to break the cycle of evil and create a habit of surrendering; being happy. I know that it may take longer and I will be patient. But 21, it seems like a good number.
-I was born on the 21st day of July.
-I will be 21 this year
-7 (the number of completion) x 3 (the triune God) = 21

Maybe, just maybe I will be a new creature in Christ by the 21st day.

But today is day one and I have never been too good at forming or breaking habits.

God help me.

And if the younger Simpson sister has any knowledge about it, it'll take 28. But this is for you Satan. I won't take you or me screwing with my head anymore... You were already defeated anyway.

28 days to kick the habit
28 days to let you go
28 days and I'll be on my own

All my life I've been sorry for something
Something gets me nothing and nothing's such a waste
All this time I've been sayin' I'm sorry
But why should I be sorry for all of your mistakes

-A. Simpson

I wonder...

I wonder if I will actually be able to write anything really meaningful in this blog. Every one's writings seem so...so AMAZING and poignant. I want something to happen in my world that will make me want to write like that. I want to run away from the mediocrity of my so called life. I would love to have an incredible story to tell. You know, the ones made for the movies. Like a romantic comedy or something. Gosh! I feel like I'm going to DIE OF BOREDOM. This is going to be a LONG summer. I might just have to make up my own story.