Auld Lang Syne

Today, we rang in the new year! I am really glad to put the past year behind (though it wasn't bad) and look forward to the fun things and wonderful blessings that are coming this year. I know its going to be a challenge and it isn't always going to be happy, but with God, my family and friends for encouragement and strength, I know I can rise to the occasion. There are 4 or 5 goals that I have for this year that I hope I can achieve:

1. Deepen my most important relationships (first and foremost the one with God)
2. Become healthier physically, mentally, and spiritually
3. Get super serious about graduating from UMHB and continuing wherever God places me
4. Kick some nasty habits (biting my nails, occasional cursing)
5. Not allowing the auld lang syne (times long ago) to dampen my future

To gain these things, I know the work is going to be super hard. But I am definitely going to "get on my grind" and get it done. 2009 is mine!! :)

As Angels Cry

Holy majesty come and save me from my sins
Polish up this rusty shell that I’ve been livin' in
This life is a steppin' stone
But I’ve fallen through the cracks
And I’m calling on You now to come and
Come and bring me back
Can’t you hear me crying?
Help me break this chain of consequences
Ooh, I’m beaten by the chain
By the chain

And as they watch me fall
The angels cry
Cause they understand my pain
And they’ve seen the blood spilled in the battles of my life
I’m in a leap of faith, racing through the sky
I’m like the rain that fall from angels’ eyes
-Corey Smith

I feel like I have seriously been beaten by chains this past 24 hours. Last week something really bad happened with my family. I wasn't present for it. But yesterday, my mom told me. It hurt my heart so much. It was something so unexpected and I had been overwhelmed by it all day. I didn't want to share it with anyone out of respect for my family. I didn't think I could share it with the person I value most either. And my silence damaged, is damaging our relationship. I have spent most of my life inside myself. I have been afraid of what people would think or what they would say. And some of the time, people just don't care. My family is very private. My mom would make us keep things to ourselves, even if they weren't important. I remember a time when I wasn't allowed to tell my best friend I was going to Disney World for the first time. How odd is that? So I just learned to hole it all up because it wasn't appropriate to talk about things. Now that I have someone who wants to know and wants to care for me, I haven't let him in. But I am really trying. And I am learning. I have made progress. But it may be too little too late. And that is soul killing. I need to be let loose of these chains of consequences. I want freedom.

God Smiles

AP Photo/Bullit Marquez)

I always knew God wasn't some huge angry old guy in the sky. God smiles. I think when there is a rush of wind and the fall leaves rush around, that's Him smiling. I think when babies smile while they sleep, that's His smile. When the sun rises and paints the sky a perfect combination of purples. oranges, reds, and yellows, that's Him too. As we can see in this phenomenon, shown above, He has made it a bit more apparent this time. And that makes me smile too. :)

Thank You Lord for your mystery and that You allow us to discover more of You each day.

Its been a long time, shouldn't have left you without a dope beat to step to.

Wow, I haven't blogged in quite awhile! But no one reads this anyway. I guess I just keep it for personal enrichment. So this semester has been different...I'm not sure if its been good or bad. But its had its fun moments. I am getting along with my roommates. They are fun and smart and interesting people. I don't hang out as much with the friends I made last year. We are all so super busy these days. I really miss them sometimes, but we visit when we can. I have been visiting different churches around the town. I don't really know where I belong as far as that goes. I enjoyed the time I spent at the church I attended last year, but I really never got plugged in there. So, I am still in search of a place to get connected. I may have to venture out of the box for this one. ;)

I am thinking about finishing my degree in something other than nursing. I know I want to and will eventually be a nurse, but this has been a long road with no end in sight. If I change to Psychology, I could finish next December and start a Master's in nursing at UT through their alternative entry program. It is looking pretty good to me since I wanted a Master's to become a Nurse Midwife anyway! But its still something I really need to pray about.

I attempted to get into a routine for life, but life happened and the routine for life went kaput. But I am attempting to stay on top of things and keep a balanced spiritual, social, and educational life going.

Lots of changes have gone on in the past few months but in the words of Sheryl Crow, "a change would do you good."

Unplayed Piano

I wish I had continued with piano lessons. I took lessons for about 7 years. I still hear the music, but I can no longer play the notes. At least not the complex ones... Sometimes when I hear a well played song, I miss sitting at the bench and feeling the ivory under my finger tips. Its as if music would just flow from the body. My teacher said I had a natural talent. I would put my own twist on pieces like it had never been heard before. I could even play songs by ear. Actually, I still can... Nonetheless, the piano that my parents bought me so many years ago is now collecting dust and being use as decoration in the dining room.

I am not saying this to reminisce or even brag about my skills. It just brought me to the realization that if you don't use it, you lose it. If you don't appreciate things, use them or take care of them, you will lose them. They will fade away. You won't even realize it and the dust will be collecting on the piano and the music will be just distant memories.

So what are you not using in your life today?

I am a YMCA camp counselor for the summer.

I am losing it. I need a vacation.

The end.

Selfless Faith

Me me me me me!!

Me me me me me!!

That's what I have been singing for the past month or so.

Its been all about me. My wants. My desires. My future.

Until I heard them sing, "selfless faith." And I started singing it too. Now its resonating and won't go away.

I need to have that. Selfless faith.

So, for the next 3 months, I am going to figure out what that is and how to gain it.

Today was a good start. I got a fresh touch from the holy spirit that I have desperately needed. I have been so dry and dark and twisted lately. I have allowed my situation and my environment to effect my mood. Then I feel sorry for myself and think its everyone else's fault when its just my own.

But no more. I'm a child a God and that makes me better than that.

So here's to a summer of selfless faith...